Bran the (Un)Broken: Self Proclaimed League Villain Defeats Stone, Remains Unbeaten

Does Defense Win Championships?: Led by Lamar, Cantway Tallies Victory while Dunegan, Bills D fall

In real life, the answer is of course yes. Consider the Super Bowl last season, where Aaron Donald terrorized Joe Burrow and the Bengals offensive line for four quarters, leading the a Rams Super Bowl victory. Perhaps even look to the hoops world, where grit and tenacious defense propelled a team of destiny, the 2011 Dallas Mavericks, to NBA immortality. 

But fantasy football is a different story, or so it seems. Give Em That Bills D (/ST) manager Sam Dunegan might be learning that the hard way this season, and his top ranked Bills D/ST put up just 4 points in week 3, as part of a holistically underwhelming showing. When asked about his team’s struggles in week 3, Dunegan responded: 

“Our team is as good as the Bills D strong and had a very off week. Also we didn’t respond to the challenge of facing the league manipulator, Mitchell Cantfindalegalwaytowinway.” 

The so called “Washed King” Dunegan’s shot at Cantway is the first to be reported by the Platooner, yet sources say many around the league have privately voiced displeasure with Cantway’s recent tactics. 

“Oh Mitch completely sold.” an anonymous source tells the Platooner. “I guess Justice for Matt means Lamar for Mitch?”

Cantway on the other hand kept it short and sweet in victory, saying only “ball don’t lie.” 

Cantway’s cavalier response to accusations and adversity comes on the heels of dominant showings from newly acquired Lamar Jackson (39.42 points) and AJ Brown (17 points), which pushed his team to victory on the week. Clearly Cantway is having success with his new players, but this sports journalist wonders if in doing so, he dishonors the cause he once vocally and unambiguously supported. 

Can’t Take a Joke: Comedy Show Ekelers Ride Hot Hurts Start to a Win over Pop Lockett Drop It

One thing that we can all agree on about comedy shows is they don’t always hit for everyone. Some may love watching comedic greats such as George Carlin and Richard Pryor, but are unable to stomach new comedic flavors such as Bert Kreischer or Chris D’Elia. Others prefer to watch John Mulaney animatedly prance around the stage but couldn’t be paid to sit through Anthony Jeselnik’s slow and measured deliveries. 

Regardless of which style you prefer, we can also all agree that Comedy Show Ekelers manager Kenny Turner found himself laughing all the way to a win in week 3 behind great fantasy weeks from Jalen Hurts (27 points) and and tight end Mark Andrews (24.9 points). 

Keeping it classy as always, the newly minted Manager of the Week praised Pop Lockett Drop It manager Nehikhuere and his players: 

“I’ve got nothing but respect for the Pop Lockett players and coach. It was a great, hard fought matchup, and when it counted, my stars showed up. I have some tough conversations to have with my RBs this week, but I expect them to respond going forward.”

Nehikhuere, for his part, showed grace to his players after a losing effort in week 3, saying: 

“Anyone woulda lost that matchup, so I can’t really be mad at my guys. Just gotta keep rolling with the punches. Hopefully we have more luck this week.” 

One thing Nehikhuere has to be pleased to see is a rebound performance from star running back Derrick Henry, who put up 22.6 fantasy points in what is by far and away his best effort of the season. Nehikhuere will look to rebound himself against Keeping Up with The Jones’ in week 4, and their fearless leader Keaton Adcock

Dancing on a Grave: Tormey Shrugs off Historically Bad Performance as Clines Picks Up Free Win

Sometimes in life you just need to be in the right place at the right time. For example, the guy who ended up with what we thought was Tom Brady’s last touchdown pass football parlayed it into season tickets, signed jerseys, and ten minutes of internet notoriety. Others in the past have turned being at the right place in the right time into a career, a huge financial opportunity, or even a presidency. 

In week 3 of Poople this season however, It’s Okay I’m Just In Her Bert manager Stephen Clines settled for a win when he found himself in the right place at the right time against the Griddy Gods. Despite scoring just over 88 fantasy points on the week, Clines picked up what could be his most comfortable win of the season. 

Clines made it clear his team needs to improve, but was thankful to pick up the win where he could this week: 

“Listen, a wins a win. My team took a step back this week, but we still fought, and that’s what matters. Going forward, if I could play you (Griddy Gods manager and Platooner editor in chief Hunter Tormey) every week that would help, but otherwise I’ll have to make some smarter roster decisions and fortify my running back room.” 

On the other side of the coin, Tormey’s Griddy Gods responded to a week 2 loss by putting up the fewest points for in Poople history with a paltry 41.76 points. Meanwhile David Montgomery and Jakobi Meyers became the 7th and 8th players Tormey has seen miss at least one game due to injury this season already. 

When asked about the truly awful state of his team, Tormey responded as follows: 

“Hard to find the right words to describe a week like this one. I think the entire league can see that I have by far the worst team, and can agree it would take truly the best manager in the league to take this team to the playoffs. Lucky for this team, that’s exactly what I am.” 

Platooner sources have disputed the accuracy of Tormey’s claim, but his confidence in the face of historic adversity is at the very least, admirable. He’ll look to get back to griddying next week against Jake Sawyer and his A Gay and Brown Kupp squad.

Corruption, Collusion, Contention Oh My!: Adcock’s Bold Claims Overshadow Sawyer’s First Win

Sometimes you can win a battle but lose the war. That was the case for Lord Cornwallis and the British regulars and the battles they waged throughout the American colonies in the late 1700’s, and it may or may not be the case for A Gay and Brown Kupp manager Jake Sawyer. 

On the fantasy pitch, Sawyer picked up his first win of the season against Keeping Up With The Jones and Keaton Adcock. Wide receiver Cooper Kupp (14.4 points) and DK Metcalf (14.9 points) rose to the challenge and carried Sawyer to the victory column in a hard fought matchup between old friends turned fantasy adversaries. 

Sawyer had this to say on his team’s winning effort in week 3:

“Against all odds, we came away with our first win. Our fearless leader Cooper Kupp led us to another great game. The difference maker in all honesty was my opponent just being bad. We’ve performed the way we should’ve each week and lost only by the will of the Lord deeming us to be defeated - that’s the only explanation for us to lose. Nevertheless, we’re excited by the first win coming off a blockbuster trade and getting ready for next week against a team that actually scored 40 points. We’re not worried.”

 While Adcock’s team struggled to put the ball in the endzone in week 3 (just one total touchdown across the lineup), the Keeping Up with the Jones gaffer had a different theory of why his team came away with a loss this week, a far more sinister theory at that. 

“We believe that there may have been foul play involved by the opponent last week. Given the historical data of corruption we have seen thus far this year, we want to be certain this was a fair matchup and my players weren’t drugged pregame. They did not seem fully themselves out there this week. As this is an ongoing investigation, we can not comment further on the matter.”

Adcock’s accusations against Sawyer are certainly heavy, but would surprise few around the league. Reports of Montezuma’s Revenge terrorizing Adcock’s locker room before the matchup do seem to point a finger at the scandal ridden commissioner. Are Adcock’s accusations credible? What scandal will Sawyer attempt to perpetrate next? For this and more, stay tuned for what should be a truly thrilling week 4 of Poople fantasy football.