Platooner '23: Week 5 Recap
Can Way? Mitchell Improves to 2-3 as the toilet bowl is looking cloudy for Flush Factory FC
In one of the higher scoring matchups of the week, manager Mitchell Cantway’s team balled out from sun up to sun down on Sunday dismantling a Flush Factory team despite a promising effort from the toilet dwellers.
You have to wonder if FFU manager Kenny Turner got in his own head this weekend with the return of Jonathan Taylor and his freshly inked contract leaving 32.5 points from Colts standout Zack Moss on the bench. Furthermore, it was a breakout game for newly acquired TE Dallas Goedert with 21.7 points but while Mr. Goedert tore up the field in LA he was riding the pine for Flush Factory who opted for a different Dallas TE that was held to a measly 4.3 points. Though there is some positives to be taken away from this performance as Ja’Marr Chase continues his return to form alongside fellow receiver Adam Thielen who appears to be a reliable target for young Bryce Young on a floundering Panthers team.
Turner did show immense maturity when taking responsibility for this weekend and complimenting his opponent, “Definitely a tough loss for the boys. Rough managerial decisions on our side, but I really have to hand it to the opposition as they played out of their minds.”
Speaking of that opposition, newly minted ‘Win-ter is coming’ was HOT out of the gate with two stand our performances across the pond from the Frenchman Travis Etienne Jr (34.3 pts) and Calvin Ridley (17.1 pts). That trend continued throughout the day finishing off with a huge performance from young QB Brock Purdy who dismantled one of the best defenses in the league to the tune of 26.08 pts – is he the next Tom Brady? People are asking.
Despite a 2-3 record, manager Cantway had some positive things to say “Last week was a low point. My team bottled a strong start, in an attempt to ease my suffering, I attempted to cook up some dastardly trades.” While this reporter cannot, in writing, divulge some of Mr. Cantway’s comments it would seem as though he left it all on the table to acquire some new talent but “sensed a change in the winds” as the weekend approached. “I realized my team is actually goated. Cracked, even. My team revealed their true nature this week and when SaQuad returns, I will go on a run the likes of which this league has not seen since Hunter smoked Jake in a 40yd dash at Matt’s bachelor party.”
Well, this reporter is inclined to agree taking a look at the Win-ter is coming lineup it’s hard to see many gaps in talent.
Cantway will look to continue to ‘put the league on notice’ next week in a big way as he takes on 1st Place Who is Aaron Jones while Flush Factory and Turner look to slow down The Fantasy Football Team who have posted back to back wins.
An Uprising in the Capital: Cobra FC invades King’s Landing in TIGHT Matchup
Now, if this were anyone else, you might feel bad that Josh Jacobs decided to be good at football again and post 17.4 points in last night’s football to secure a win for Cobra FC. But it’s Jake, so don’t feel bad.
Both of these teams suffered from the injury bug somewhat this weekend but it was the injury snake apparently that really got to King’s Landing United as their players are dropping faster than the Stark family.
Cobra FC manager, Coby Evers turned to Alix Earle, ahem, Braxton Berrios to fill in for injured Amon-Ra St. Brown and multiple WRs on bye this week to no avail but it was the stellar play of RBs David Montgomery and Josh Jacobs that squeaked out victory for him alongside another formidable game for Cole Kmet. You have to be feeling encouraged if you’re Cobra FC taking down a tight win without the likes of Amon-Ra, Keenan Allen or Chris Godwin in your lineup.
Mr. Evers was extremely long winded in his response to the Platooner’s request for comment stating, “I am not surprised at all my team’s win (yes we think he forgot a word here). Championship teams win even in their worst weeks and that’s what my guys just did. We found a way. A win is a win. We welcome our new player Jacobs with open arms and he won it for his new teammates.”
Cobra FC Manager had a lot more to say but we were running out of space so we’ll just leave you with his closing remark that, “Cobra FC is here to stay.”
Turning our sights to the capital city of Westeros, things are looking grim. Manager Jake Sawyer must be kicking himself after not starting a 49ers D/ST going up against Dak “I won’t throw 10 INTs this year” Prescott who wept at the sight of a Colts defense getting the start over them in a 1.22 point loss as their 18 pts fell flat on the bench.
Perhaps more concerning is the loss of 1st overall pick, Justin Jefferson, who is headed to the IR for the Minnesota Vikings and set to miss at least 4 weeks of action. Additionally, sources say James Conner is set to miss some time as well which puts Sawyer in a tight spot although King’s Landing has seen some encouraging play from newly signed Jaleel McLaughlin in Denver and perhaps he can start to carry some of the load for the team.
When asked about the loss the manager had this to say, “Pretty gut wrenching. Lost 2 of my starters including JJ for several weeks. It was fun while it lasted boys. No further comment.”
Well, it would appear leadership in King’s Landing is equally pessimistic about their chances moving forward but they’ll look to work some magic in Week 6 against last place Galveston Bay Muddy Waters.
Cobra FC and Evers will do battle a team desperately needing to get back in the win column, Master Ballers.
Crash Landing: Frosty Flights experiences engine failure against The Fantasy Football Team
A rough go of it this weekend for manager Hunter Tormey and players are starting to wonder if his side gig is pulling too much attention away from his responsibility to Frosty Flights FC. Of course, Tormey can only be dealt so much of the blame when only one starting player cracks double digits for the weekend. Dismal performances across the board kept Tormey out of contention this week while injuries plagued the lineup with Gibbs and Higgins both sidelined and Anthony Richardson suffering his second injury of the season.
Standout Kyren Williams even failed to post his usual numbers getting almost 10 points below his weekly average and in a surprise move Club Captain, Joey Burrrrrrrow was benched due to some lackluster performances but gives Tormey some hope moving forward that he will return to his true form and lead this team once again.
Manager Hunter Tormey was quick to praise himself and call out fellow league managers, “Honest to God my team might be cursed. Despite a flurry of genius moves and 1,000 IQ trades I was once again foiled by injuries and disappointing play this week. Luckily though, the Cowboys play the Chargers this week and Matt and Coby are huge Cowboy fans. If they were real, they’d give me Justin Herbert and Keenan Allen so I can start them and guarantee they’ll suffer horrible injuries, all but sealing the win for the Boys. My inbox is open! But honestly, if I can’t turn thinks around soon I’m fackin finished lads.”
Meanwhile, visitors ‘The Fantasy Football Team’ put on a respectable performance as they collect their second win in a row to improve to 2-3 on the season.
Finally clicking as a team and not relying on individual performances The Fantasy Football Team was able to recover from yet another underwhelming Miles Sanders performance (1.2 pts) with standout games from Jaylen Waddle (12 pts), Gabe Davis (19 pts) and the talented young TE in Detroit, Sam Laporta (18.2 pts).
Yet again, however, the rookie manager left some big points on the bench primarily in the form of Jakobi Meyers and will need to tighten up his managerial decisions moving forward if this team hopes to keep it’s winning streak alive.
When asked about this weekend Magner continued to show compassion for his opponents as he’s done in the past, “Listen, we won and that’s great. But, here, on The Fantasy Football Team we don’t gloat, we don’t rub it in people’s faces and we don’t put people down. So, our hearts go out this week to Hunter and Frosty Flights. We’re praying for a speedy recovery for his guys and look forward to seeing them return to form.”
The Fantasy Football Team looks to make it 3 in a row this weekend against Flush Factory United while Tormey and Frosty Flights FC travels into the jungle to face off against Can You Fields the Love Tonight?
Unbeatable? Aaron Jones visits Heaven, Dismantles Their Heroes & Comes Away with Victory
Who is Aaron Jones is on an absolute tear as they improve to 4-1 and sit atop the Pigskin Premier League standings five weeks into the young season.
Despite not realizing their namesake would be out for Monday Night Football, manager Tosa Nehikhuere rode the wave of some big performances to dismantle Heaven’s Heroes and Matthew Ryan Stone. With Deshaun Watson on bye, they turned to Jared Goff in an impressive move as he garnered 27.44 points as he tore up a pitiful Panthers defense coupled with a solid Jets D/ST performance and the long awaited return of Cooper Kupp all of which propelled Who is Aaron Jones to victory. You had to wonder a little if a manager who sat Davante Adams (averaging 18.3 pts/week) would pull out a win but this man obviously knew what he was doing.
Tosa was short in his comments this week stating, “Great win for the squad while still underhanded. Good to have Coop back, we’re gunna get him comfortable and keep rolling. More wins on the way.”
On the other side of the scoreboard, The Lord’s Heroes were unable to defend their home turf as they leased out Heaven for a week to Who is Aaron Jones in what can only be seen as a gracious and humble move.
Heaven’s Heroes were without Hero Herbert this week as he spent Week 5 taking a Sabbath and unfortunately Zach Wilson could not replace the heroics Herbert typically brings to this team. Tyreek Hill continues to impress and seem like one of the biggest brain moves of this year’s draft when Stone took him at 3rd overall to many manager’s surprise. Besides Hill, Brown (14.1 pts) and Mattison (11.6 pts) turned in respectable performances tying to push this team to victory but it was more a story of the poor performances from the Cowboys D/ST, Hunter Henry and King Rhamondre that pulled Heaven’s Heroes down this week.
People are saying Mac Jones is ‘not the guy’ and it’s a dangerous time to have Patriots players in your fantasy lineup right now.
Manager Matt Stone compared this week’s performance to another team that resides in Texas, “Much like the Texas Longhorns, we played a good opponent and our defense underperformed. While there were plenty of reasons why we did ot play as well as we could’ve, I’ll point the finger at myself first. The front office couldn’t get the necessary deals done, try as they may.”
This reporter, for one, respects the humble approach from this manager epitomizing the attitude of a team with the name Heaven’s Heroes.
The Heroes will look to right the ship next week against 4A-NOT-4E while Who is Aaron Jones aims to avoid “being put on notice” by Win-ter is coming.
Can’t Catch Em All: Master Ballers fails to capture the King of the Jungle
Coming off a tough loss, Master Ballers once again fell short this week losing by single digits for the second week in a row and that HAS to mess with a team’s psyche.
On that very topic manager Keaton Adcock commented, “We made some moves and knew we were giving up some talent and depth to try and raise our teams ceiling. Now more than ever, we need our key players to step up and perform. There may yet still be some shifts, but we are going to use some revives and Max Potions and come hard on the Cobras this week.”
Well, some key players did step up like Alvin Kamara (17.2 pts) and Travis Kelce (17.7 pts) who fought through an injury but every other player, besides Kicker Jake Elliot, came in under their projection for Master Ballers this weekend. Of note, it was the receiving group that underperformed considerably only posting a total of 22.3 points between the three of them and will need to be an area of improvement for this team moving forward.
Meanwhile, Can You Fields the Love Tonight keeps pace with the only other team posing a question with their team name, improving to 4-1 remaining in 2nd place. Justin Fields has decided to be good at football again which spells great news for manager Stephen Clines posting a whopping 32.98 points this weekend. If that QB play continues, this will be a tough team to beat. Without much else to write home about, Devon Achane (21 pts) and Bijan Robinson (10.8 pts) were the only other two players to crack double digits this week but it was enough to get the job done as they carried Clines to victory.
Can You Fields’ manager said this, “Tough week but we persevered. What looked like a surefire victory after the early games turned scary after Travis Kelce started going off and Tony Pollard faltered. But despite this adversity we stuck it out for the dub, and that’s what great teams do. Unfortunately, we lost Achane in the process so I’ll need some other guys to step up while he recovers.”
Master Ballers looks ahead to Week 6 in hopes of deploying some new tactics to perhaps catch themselves an Ekans or Arbok against Cobra FC while Clines and Can You Fields the Love Tonight return home to host a banged up Frosty Flights FC team.
Muddy Indeed: 4A buries Galveston Bay Deep in the Swamp with Big Week
In this week’s applicable movie quote, 4A-NOT-4E got out of Galveston Bay’s swamp with a big win. Shrek likely would have fit right in on this team as they steamrolled the last place team moving up to 4th in the PPL standings.
Posting the 2nd highest points total of the week, there were some huge performances across the board from Andrew 4A’s team including 45 points from DJ Moore, 26.2 from Kittle and another 20.1 from Stefon Diggs leading the way for this squad. I have to say, when Derrick Henry is your lowest scorer for the week, it must have been a GOOD week and indeed it was for what is looking like a scary 3-2 team if they keep this type of momentum.
Mr. Forey offered one quick work when asked about his team’s performance before elaborating further, “Dominance. People may think I got lucky with career games from Kittle and DJ Moore, but that’s gonna be the norm from here on out.”
Meanwhile, home team, Muddy Waters put up a respectable performance that was simply overshadowed by their opponents but there are a lot of positives to take away.
Dunegan said something similar when asked for a comment, “The team is still getting settled after a massive trade. DON’T MISS IT – We scored a new season high of points so obviously moving in the right direction. Ekeler and DK come back next week and man I’m optimistic about not being the worst worst team anymore.”
Those comments are certainly founded in some truth as Breece Hall, who has not performed all that well, turned in his best game of the season with 26.9 points and Curtis Samuel turning in a decent performance of his own.
As Dunegan commented, DK Metcalf will return from bye and Austin Ekeler is expected to return to play which should help Dunegan and Muddy Waters get out of the PPL basement.
They’ll look to do just that in Week 6 against a mortal looking King’s Landing United suffering from multiple injuries while 4A-NOT-4E matches up with Heaven’s Heroes in a battle of 3-2 teams.
Copyright Pigskin Premier League 2021