Hurts, Doesn’t It?: Comedy Show Ekelers Deliver Punchline Behind Jalen Hurts’ Big Night

Big Risks, Big Rewards: Nehikhuere Claims Owlgate Revenge as Sawyer Fumes Over Key Injury

Even in defeat, it’s important to still be able to reflect on the positives. League commissioner and Kupple of Rookies manager Jake Sawyer took that message to heart when asked about his team’s top performers this week. 

“Kupp and Brown played out of their minds. Truly making up for the pathetic showing the rest of my team gave.” Sawyer said. 

Cooper Kupp (25.3 points) and AJ Brown (20.5 points) very nearly did just that, but Sawyer’s unit ultimately fell short against Nehikhuere in this week 1 bout. Sawyer didn’t mince words when asked what went wrong. 

“He (Keenan Allen) was on his way to a great game and got injured. How bad do you have to be to be a professional athlete and get injured? And yes I’m actually serious. Not that great of an athlete.” 

Meanwhile Nehikhuere, who surprised many by being the first manager this season to draft a tight end and quarterback, commented on how his unconventional strategy worked in week 1. 

“I would say to all the doubters and naysayers that they didn’t have the vision, and that’s okay. Not everyone can be the next Bill Belichick. I trusted the process and it’s paying off with interest.” 

For their parts, Josh Allen (31.48 points) and Travis Kelce (22.1 points) looked every bit the players Nehikhuere banked on them to be, but he will need to get consistent play from the stars going forward to make noise in an incredibly deep Poople playoff picture.

False Prophets: Tormey’s Plea to Griddy Gods Falls on Deaf Ears as Stone Ascends in Standings

I’m sure all Poople managers are able to think back to the simpler time of when the song Where Are Ü Now? was sweeping the nation. Featuring great auditory effects and the ever so smooth tone of Justin Bieber, the song begs the question, “Where are you now when I need ya?” Such was the theme of the week for Griddy Gods manager Hunter Tormey. 

A dreadful week 2 performance saw Tormey’s team score the fewest points in the league by nearly 20 points, as injuries to quarterback Dak Prescott, receivers Chris Godwin and Michael Gallup, running back JK Dobbins, and tight end Dalton Schultz cast a sinister shadow over Tormey’s prospects of success in week two. 

“At the end of the day there’s no excuse.” Tormey said at his post game press conference. “We demand excellence at this franchise each and every week, and we failed to deliver. But I’ve been around this league long enough to know you can’t get too bogged down by one bad result, you have to adjust and move on. When things get shiddy we still Griddy.” 

On the other hand, Lets Get Some Doubs manager Matt Stone improved to 2-0 on the season thanks to waiver wire addition Carson Wentz (27.78 points) and top running back Nick Chubb (30.8 points). 

Stone credited his team’s improved performance, but is still looking for more from the second ranked unit in the league. 

“You know, it was a much better performance this week than last but there are still some pretty glaring holes in our strategy. Last week we got lucky in playing a team that wasn’t ready, this week we were still middle of the pack in scoring. So it feels great to be sitting at 2-0, but we’ve got to do a lot more to stay at the top.” Stone commented. 

However, sources tell the Platooner things may not be as good as they seem on the outside over at Let’s Get Some Doubs. When asked what led to the teams’s inspired week 2 performance, star wide receiver Deebo Samuel (12.2 points) made a startling claim. 

“I’m really glad we won this week, because if we didn’t, Matt said he was going to spank us, on gang.” Samuel said. 

A notorious disciplinarian, Stone’s unorthodox methods may be propelling him to the top of this league, but at what cost?

Take a Bow, New Boy!: Team Adcock Secures Inaugural Poople Win over Clines, Herbert

Some people in life will tell you there is a first time for everything. Those people would be wrong, according to Platooner sources the Queen of England never did see Minions the Rise of Gru, God rest her soul. Nevertheless, week 2 did present a “first” of sorts for Team Adcock manager Keaton Adcock, who claimed a proverbial Victory Royale for the first time in his career as a Poople manager. 

Despite a week 1 loss, Adcock’s confidence throughout the week of preparation leading up to his week 2 performance was palpable, said newly acquired tight end Dallas Goedert (10.7 points in Team Adcock debut). “He’s always so positive, a great guy to be around and play for.” Goedert said. 

When asked to describe what contributed to his success this week, Adcock was quick to turn the praise around on his new tight end, and highlighted key adjustments made throughout the week. 

“Well it’s like we said last week, we knew the talent was there we just had to execute. A few adjustments were made this week picking up our ELITE tight end Goedert, who did in fact score over 10 fantasy points while leading the Eagles in receiving yards and was second for them in targets. We are going to celebrate this win and then get right back to it.” Adcock stated. 

Yet as one manager revels in the glory of victory, another must wallow in the muck of defeat. On this particular occasion, that manager was Stephen Clines of Its Okay I’m Just In Her Bert. On the heels of a dominant week 1 win, Clines’ unit put up a respectable effort, only to fall short of the numbers posted by Adcock and Co. 

When asked about what lead to his week two demise, Clines chalked it up to a need for a fresh strategy, and expressed displeasure with the NFL League Office. 

“It was a tough loss, and I’m already ready to abandon my “hope one of my players gets injured” strategy. Hopefully I can get my boys Pittman and Kittle back and we can get back on track. I’m a little disappointed with the league office for suspending mike Thomas simply for being a good teammate, but I’m hoping my stacked WR took can cover for him.” 

Led by Justin Herbert and Najee Harris, Clines will look to get back on track in week 3 against Hunter Tormey and the Griddy Gods.

Diggs-ing for Gold: Star Wideout’s Heroics Propel Evers to Victory as Cantway Tumbles to 0-2.

Over the years, it has been verified that the managers of Poople prefer to watch football in different ways. Some enjoy sitting on the couch with a hot plate of Wok N Express. Others may prefer to be in the stadium itself, feeling the roar of the crowd in person. And who could say no to football and a cold Lone Star? 

Regardless of how you watch football, the entire league watched Stefon Diggs prove that he is in fact him with a legendary Monday Night football performance (38.8 points) that carried Three Eyed Ravens manager Coby Evers to a striking come from behind victory. 

Riding high on the sweet scent of victory, a sensation that Evers has experienced both weeks of Poople’s 8th season, Evers had these to say about his talented team:

“I’ll echo my sentiments from last week about how I’m not surprised at all that we won. I would be surprised if we lose anytime soon. When I can have 3 of my starters score single digits and still win comfortably, that’s when you know this team is absolutely built for a championship run. I might need to improve in the tight end role and have to make right decisions for my flex but if I put my team in the place to succeed I have no doubt the trophy will be back in my greedy hands.” 

When asked if he feels mounting pressure as the top team in the league through two weeks, Evers channeling his inner Baker Mayfield, was clear in his response: “If the league wants to make me the villain this year, I’ll happily take that role!”

On the flip side, Sevin Dingleterry’s disappointing start to the season continued in week 2, as Mitch Cantway’s squad came up short against Evers, which is ironic considering how short Coby is. 

At the time, Cantway seemed to indicate that big changes were coming for the franchise heading into week three, changes that ultimately came in the form of an olive branch trade deal with A Gay and Brown Kupp: 

“Sources are reporting tension between the front office and the locker room as frustration with the weak performances by so-called star players grows. Heading into Monday, the week’s matchup was well in hand with DK Metcalf and Dalvin Cook still to play and a lead of over ten points. But as the night progressed, Metcalf and Cook both failed to break six points, and when the dust cleared the Fighting Dingles lost by a margin of almost 20. Management seems to be gearing up for major changes heading in to week two, with sharks circling to take advantage of the fire sale.” Cantway stated. 

The deal, an 8 player agreement, sends Patrick Mahomes, DK Metcalf, Joe Mixon, and Jamaal Williams to Sawyer, while Cantway is set to collect Lamar Jackson, AJ Brown, Dameon Pierce, and former Longhorn Devin Duvernay. The trade is still pending league wide approval at the time of this publication. 

Who Got That Good D?: Bills D/ST Dicks Down Nehikhuere as Henry Struggles

The answer? Defending Poople champion Sam Dunegan, whose Bills D/ST (22 points) absolutely took the Tennessee Titans behind the woodshed in a Monday Night massacre. Star wide receiver Tyreek Hill also added 36.5 fantasy points to Dunegan’s cause, slamming the door shut on Nehikhuere’s chances at a 2-0 start. 

Professional as always, Nehikhuere kept it short and sweet in discussing what went wrong out there in week 2. 

“At the end of the day, both of our teams underperformed and mine came out on the short end of the stick. Gonna give the squad a pep talk, brush the dirt off their shoulders, and get ready for the next one. Trust the process.” 

While Nehikhuere was quick to take the blame for his team’s loss, sources say locker room tension might be a factor. 

Quarterback Josh Allen (29.68 points), who has a history of fighting his teammates in practice didn’t mince words in assessing the week 2 struggles. “Derrick’s gotta be better man. Y’all seen what Jaylen (Waddle) and I did right? Come on bruh.” 

Henry, Nehikhuere’s first round pick, has yet to top 8.5 fantasy points on the young season, though the talent is undeniably there for bigger production in the future. 

This brings us to Give Her That Bills D/ST, an organization currently embattled in a scandal rivaling that of Owlgate. When asked about his team’s week two performance, Dunegan wasted no time in discarding the subject entirely, instead focusing his attention on rival manager Jake Sawyer. 

When confronted with allegations of pay for play tactics, Dunegan responded, “Absolutely not, I thought I was just joking around with a friend then after I sent my text I immediately realized that he was corrupt and serious and wanted to absolve myself for talking to him.” 

Though Sawyer made it clear to Platooner sources that he was willing to stake his entire reputation upon the truth of his allegations, Dunegan countered with a similar promise:

“I’d stake my equal reputation on this as well. I admit that I was joking and realized I shouldn’t have been with such a serious topic.” 

Taking it one step further, Dunegan went so far as to suggest that Sawyer, who was widely criticized on draft day for making decisions implicating certain racial undertones, harbors animus towards him on that basis, saying, “I’d go far out and say that Jake has it out for Hispanics as evidenced by his treatment of me. If Jake is stating his reputation against a joke I made, I’m not holding back.” 

As all can see, this situation is fraught with deception and intrigue no matter how you view it. The only question is, are you #TeamJake or #TeamSam?