Not So Warm Welcome: Stone Spoils Adcock’s Poople Debut

Big Risks, Big Rewards: Nehikhuere Claims Owlgate Revenge as Sawyer Fumes Over Key Injury

Even in defeat, it’s important to still be able to reflect on the positives. League commissioner and Kupple of Rookies manager Jake Sawyer took that message to heart when asked about his team’s top performers this week. 

“Kupp and Brown played out of their minds. Truly making up for the pathetic showing the rest of my team gave.” Sawyer said. 

Cooper Kupp (25.3 points) and AJ Brown (20.5 points) very nearly did just that, but Sawyer’s unit ultimately fell short against Nehikhuere in this week 1 bout. Sawyer didn’t mince words when asked what went wrong. 

“He (Keenan Allen) was on his way to a great game and got injured. How bad do you have to be to be a professional athlete and get injured? And yes I’m actually serious. Not that great of an athlete.” 

Meanwhile Nehikhuere, who surprised many by being the first manager this season to draft a tight end and quarterback, commented on how his unconventional strategy worked in week 1. 

“I would say to all the doubters and naysayers that they didn’t have the vision, and that’s okay. Not everyone can be the next Bill Belichick. I trusted the process and it’s paying off with interest.” 

For their parts, Josh Allen (31.48 points) and Travis Kelce (22.1 points) looked every bit the players Nehikhuere banked on them to be, but he will need to get consistent play from the stars going forward to make noise in an incredibly deep Poople playoff picture.

Griddy Up: Jefferson Carries Tormey to Win over Cantway and Co.

Stick around this league long enough, and you will experience chaos and heartbreak. It’s not an if, it’s a when. Perhaps no manager has learned that lesson more over the past few seasons than Griddy Gods manager Hunter Tormey. Shockingly bad efforts from signal caller Dak Prescott (4.46 points) and top running back Cam Akers (0 points on 3 carries), left Tormey’s group in big time jeopardy of falling short in their season opener, yet the team was ultimately able to rally and stave off Mitch Cantway’s Sevin Dingleterry squad in week 1. 

“Cam Akers broke my heart this week.” an emotional Tormey commented. “But you know that’s part of the game. Since joining this league I’ve tried to instill a next man up mentality in my players, and it paid off today.” 

Luckily for Tormey, there was plenty of griddying to go around for wide receiver Justin Jefferson (34.9 points) who finished week 1 as the top scorer at the position, giving an otherwise depleted roster a much needed lift. 

On the other hand, Sevin Dingleterry gaffer Mitchell Cantway’s assessment of his team’s performance had less to do with the poor play of star wideout DK Metcalf (5.1 points), and more to do with an alleged league wide conspiracy that will surely cast its fingerprints all over Poople’s landmark 8th season. 

“Ultimately, the reason for me losing was that Jake Sawyer blatantly, obviously, and maliciously interfered with the draft order, and no loss by me, no matter how embarrassing, no matter many points I left on my bench, regardless of the fact that I did not pay attention to any of the games or my lineup for the week, should distract us from the gross injustice of one Jacob Sawyer on August 27, 2022 #JusticeForMatt.” 

Cantway’s criticisms of Sawyer’s well publicized chicanery are the first to surface so far during this season’s post draft campaign, but will likely not be the last. At the end of the day one question remains: will we see #JusticeforMatt?

Funny Business: Clines Gets Last Laugh On Comedy Show Ekelers

Life comes at you fast as a Poople Pigskin Platoon manager, as Comedy Show Ekelers manager Kenny Turner discovered firsthand after running into a DeAndre Swift (25 points) and Michael Pittman Jr. (22.6 points) led buzzsaw assembled by Its Okay I’m Just In Her Bert manager Stephen Clines. 

Turner’s troops were able to muster just two touchdowns in their debut performance of the season, a stat that would have most managers worried. But not Turner. 

“The real story of week 1 was Elijah Mitchell (4.1 points) going down in the second quarter, which really just put me on a bad trajectory for the week.” Turner responded. 

When asked about his receivers failing to pick up the slack, Turner expressed displeasure with his current wide outs and voiced optimism about finding a trade partner down the line to bolster his pass catching group. 

“As we know, my receivers are bad, they’re just bad. They have bad people throwing them the ball, and they’re also bad. I’ll definitely need help at the position. So when James Robinson (19.4 points) keeps going off, if you need a running back and you’ve got a receiver? Go ahead and send me a trade.” 

But to the victor goes the spoils they say, and in this case the victor was Clines, whose team boasted a league high five starting players to score more than 12.9 points on the week. When asked about his early season success, Clines infused humor into an otherwise cryptic message. 

“Well I was projected to lose, especially after Kittle got hurt. My replacement didn’t do any better but I still won. So I guess I hope every week I’m projected to lose and one of my starters goes down.” 

More starting players for Clines picking up injuries might be exactly what the rest of the league needs, as he has definitely put the league on notice with a solid week 1 victory.

Worst to First: Three Eyed Ravens Ravage Reigning Champs

Heavy is the head that wears the crown. Give Em That Bills D /(ST) manager Sam Dunegan’s title defense got off to a less than stellar start as the reigning champion suffered a 45 point loss at the hands of Coby Evers and the Three Eyed Ravens. Dunegan, who made waves by drafting his team’s namesake in the 6th round of the 2022 Poople Draft, was asked if he had any second thoughts about the pick after the week 1 drubbing. 

“No pick taken in the 7th round performed better than the Bills D other than my own pick. You might need to fact check that though.” Dunegan said. 

While it may be easy to chalk this battle up to a championship hangover, the fact is Evers had his guys  ready to play, and consistently outpaced his old foe throughout the matchup. 

Led by polarizing running back Saquon Barkley (30.4 points), Evers saw 4 players hit the 21 point mark in week 1 in a solid top to bottom team performance. Evers was particularly pleased with what he saw from third year running back Clyde Edwards-Helaire saying, “I have the steal of the draft even though Matt said I had no running backs.” 

When asked about his talented quarterback’s week 1 struggles, Evers was quick to defend the former LSU standout.

“When it comes to Joe, I’m not worried about him one bit. For him to score 18 points while having 5 turnovers actually makes me feel super good about him.” 

Characteristically high on his team, Evers made sure to relish this statement win, declaring, “I really will be surprised if I lose anytime soon. I am excited for the year but not satisfied until we get that trophy again. Like the great Mamba once said, “Job’s not finished”.”