Hakuna Matata: No Worries For Team Forey in Surprising Takedown of Clines

Grit and Grime: Mostert, Cantway Persevere, Beat Dunegan’s Muddy Waters Side

In a matchup between two of the most questionable managers in the league, Galveston Bay manager Sam Dunegan suffered what many are calling his worst defeat since losing to JLo in one on one basketball. For his part, Sevin Dingleterry manager Mitch Cantway was happy to fill in for the former Babe Cave houseboy in collecting a win at Dunegan’s expense. 

Midweek adjustments from Dunegan proved ineffective in week 3, as his lineup saw minimal improvement from last week, a week in which the “Special One” did not start an RB2. Quarterback Patrick Mahomes (25.68 points) and wide receiver DK Metcalf (14.2 points) proved to be bright spots in an otherwise uninspiring performance from Dunegan’s Muddy Waters, who fall to 1-2 on the young PPL season. 

Dunegan was optimistic about his chances of returning to winning ways moving forward, putting together a truly foolproof plan for success: 

“I’m not too down while missing key starters, I would have beat 3 other teams last week. We just need to work hard and trade for more players on the Miami Roster or maybe get Austin Ekeler dating someone famous.” Dunegan commented. 

Meanwhile, Sevin Dingleterry manager Mitch Cantway opened an account in the PPL winners column with the victory with a more than respectable 118 point week 3 effort. To illustrate how close the league standings remain, Cantway’s win propels him from near the bottom of the league to the cusp of playoff contention. 

While Cantway’s strategy of spamming New York Giants starters once again failed him (3.98 points for Daniel Jones, 3.5 points for Darren Waller), his decision to start running back Raheem Mostert (41.7 points) proved the decisive factor in the win, as the speedy Dolphin scored all 4 touchdowns Cantway’s lineup produced. 

Cantway provided key insight on the stats that impressed him the most from his team’s week 3 win: 

“I think this is the first week where my starters averaged more points than my bench, which is a promising sign. That will be a key metric tracked by ownership through the season.We are by no means off the hot seat, but it is nice to balance out that win loss ratio a little. Dingle Country, let’s ride.” Cantway said. 

Dunegan will look to right the ship next week by knocking off Who Is Aaron Jones and Tosa Nehikhuere, while Cantway and Sevin Dingleterry find themselves on a crash course with Matt Stone’s Heaven’s Heroes unit. 

Bills D/ST, I Choose You!: Master Ballers Ride D To Win Over Struggling Frosty Flights

This week 3 bout pitted Master Ballers manager Keaton Adcock and Frosty Flights FC manager Hunter Tormey, who are both widely considered some of the managers in the PPL, against one another. Unfortunately for Tormey, his club was unable to claim the Victory Royale for the second straight week as Adcock and Co. picked up a comfortable win. 

Tormey’s tough start to the season continued in week 3, as his lineup has finished no better than 10th in points for across the league on any given week this season. With star players playing like waiver wire pickups (8.16 points from Joe Burrow, 3.1 points from Tee Higgins) and an onslaught of injuries (league high 4 season ending injuries in the first 3 weeks), it’s no understatement to say nothing has gone right for the veteran gaffer so far in 2023. 

Rather than dwelling on his misfortunes or condemning the play of his lineup, Tormey chose to turn his attention toward next week’s matchup, which he hopes can spark a much needed turnaround on the season: 

“Look, we’ve had plenty of obstacles so far this season, and frankly anyone who says my team is bad I’d challenge them to drop 4 of their best players and see how their lineup performs. With that being said we’ve got to refocus our energy on this relegation club clash against Kenny next week. He picked up a win this week and all of a sudden the pundits are calling our club the Everton of DFW, assuming his team to be the proverbial Liverpool. But I don’t know if Kenny is prepared for the lengths I will go to to come out of this El Blondico with a key win.” Tormey said. 

On the other hand, Master Ballers manager Keaton Adcock has to be pleased with the way his club has responded after losing a nail-biter to the league’s only remaining unbeaten team, Kings Landing United, in week 1. Channeling shades of prime Sam Dunegan, Adcock was rewarded richly for his trust in the Bills D/ST, who forced 5 turnovers and scored a touchdown against the Commanders en route to a 31 point fantasy game. 

Running back Jerome Ford contributed 18.1 points to Adcock’s cause, while Travis Kelce continues to succeed on and off the field, posting a solid 16.4 points in week 3. Going forward, Adcock will need more production from running back Breece Hall (3.2 points) to get the job done, but fortunately the rest of his lineup more than picked up the slack on this occasion. 

When questioned by the Platooner, Adcock was quick to praise his lineup for the hard work they’ve done to put together back to back impressive performances: 

“The team was happy to show up and put together a win. It appears, like many other airlines, that there was some delays in departure for our friends over at Frosty Flights. It felt good to catch another win this week and we are ecstatic about the improvement at RB with expectations for continued growth as we welcome Kamara back this week. We are going to focus on the fact that level alone isn’t always enough to win, but type matchup must accounted for as well!” Adcock remarked. 

Adcock will look to make the most of another favorable matchup against Mack Magner’s Fantasy Football Team next week, while Tormey will attempt to get back to .500 against Flush Factory United and Kenny Turner.

Dracarys!: Sawyer, Kings Landing Catch Fire As Magner Stumbles to 0-3

In much the same way that Drogon torched the city of Kings Landing with the fires of Targaryen fury in season 8 of Game of Thrones, Kings Landing United manager Jake Sawyer took a scorched Earth approach to his week 3 matchup with Mack Magner’s Fantasy Football Team, establishing himself once and for all as Matt Stone’s best best man. 

In what should widely be considered the best overall performance of the season, Sawyer’s lineup posted a jaw-dropping 146.88 fantasy points, setting a new high across the league for single week scoring. In fact, only Kyle Pitts (6.2 points) failed to crack double digit scoring this week in Sawyer’s lineup, with recievers Justin Jefferson (24.4 points) and Amari Cooper (21.1 points) turning in particularly impressive numbers. 

Platooner sources had to double check Sawyer’s comments, as there was originally some confusion as to whether they had actually been made by Cobra FC manager Coby Evers, given the cockiness of his statements: 

“Super excited for my guys but not surprised. If they play how I know they can, we should win every single game. A flawless performance across the board, and now I’m excited going up against the biggest championship contender this upcoming week. Nothing will be bottled as long as my boys do their thing. Funny what the league is saying to the Platooner considering I’m constantly getting trade inquiries and requests for advice. And I’m happy to give it and help someone boost their team with a great trade. Please reach out if you’re interested in being part of history!” Sawyer beamed. 

While Sawyer’s victory propels him to the top of the standings, Magner’s loss sends his team to the bottom. Magner, who has improved his lineup’s overall point total each week thus far, was more so suffering from the success of Sawyer this week, as opposed to putting up poor numbers himself. 

Quarterback Josh Allen (21.32 points) and running back Christian McCaffrey (20.4 point) served as strong anchors for Magner’s lineup, while rookie tight end Sam LaPorta (18.4 points) continues to be a revelation at the position. With recievers Jaylen Waddle and Christian Watson set to return to the fold soon, there are plenty of reasons for Magner to be optimistic, despite the slow start. 

Magner kept it short and sweet addressing the Platooner this week, venting the frustration that comes with playing the week’s highest scoring team: 

“Team played better, found the end zone more which is a step in the right direction. Tough draw going up against a 145 point team.” Magner said. 

Magner hopes the improving play of his lineup will translate to a win in week 4 as he takes on Keaton Adcock and the Master Ballers, while Sawyer looks to extend his run of unbeaten play against Stephen Clines and Can You Field the Love Tonight.

Holy Shit: Walker, Chase Shine as Flush Factory Stun Stone, Heaven’s Heroes

While it’s widely known that Flush Factory United manager Kenny Turner and Heaven’s Heroes manager Matt Stone are two of the best huggers in the league, Turner’s embrace turned into more of a death grip in week 3, as his Flush Factory United side routed the Heroes by a near 50 burger. 

Turner’s week 3 dominance was due in no small part to season best performances from running backs Kenneth Walker (29.1 points) and Zach Moss (21.5 points), in addition to second overall pick Jamarr Chase (20.1 points). While kicker and Flush Factory super fan Cameron Dicker (3 points) shockingly underwhelmed United fans in week 3, big contributions up and down Turner’s lineup led to a solid victory. 

Turner highlighted the need for continued improvement, while making sure to take time to celebrate the success of his lineup this week in his post match comments:

“Felt good to see the boys out there just playing their game! We gotta find a way to get in the end zone a little bit more and need to improve from the qb position, but overall it was a great team win. Feels like we needed to avoid 0-3 in order to keep our championship aspirations alive!  Glad to have a victory Tuesday with the boys!” Turner said. 

Meanwhile, Stone drops to 2-1 on the season with the loss. While Justin Herbert (29.3 points) and Tyreek Hill (26.2 points) starred once again in week 3, the rest of Stone’s lineup simply couldn’t get anything going, with no other starter cracking 7 points on the week. 

There is room for improvement however, as running back Alexander Mattison (15 points) and receiver Marquise Brown (14.6 points) put up strong numbers on Stone’s bench, and the Cowboys D/ST (-2 points) is bound to return to form soon. 

Stone hinted at the need to make adjustments to his roster in short order to get back to the win column: 

“We’ve got to make several major changes, and almost off of those are at the running back position. I don’t know how it’s possible that I got all the league’s duds on one team, but I did. Call it karma for absolutely dominating the WR game with Tyreek Hill.” Stone commented. 

Stone will look to improve to 3-1 on the season next week as he clashes with Mitch Cantway’s upstart Sevin Dingleterry team, while Turner will do battle with fellow Dallas blonde Hunter Tormey and Frosty Flights FC.

Snake Farm: Nehikhuere, Who is Aaron Jones Tame Cobra FC Behind Adams Stunner

Major population hubs claimed yet another victory against small town USA in this week 3 matchup as Who Is Aaron Jones manager Tosa Nehikhuere led his team to a come from behind win against Coby Evers and Cobra FC. The result earns Nehikhuere’s squad another key win sans first round pick Cooper Kupp, who could potentially return to action as early as week 5. 

Evers and his Cobras started the match out on the attack, as monster performances from Keenan Allen (36.46 points) and Lamar Jackson (28.18 points) in the early Sunday window skyrocketed his chances of success. 

However, the speech and debate savant found little in the way of support from Bears players Khalil Herbert (2.5 points) and Cole Kmet (3.2 points), while the Jacksonville defense’s flaccid performance (-4 points) opened the door to a Nehikhuere comeback. 

Evers was too emotional to dive into specifics about the matchup in speaking to Platooner sources, saying only: 

“Dude I thought I had that matchup.”

On the other side, Nehikhuere masterminded a feverish comeback bid behind great contributions from Davante Adams (35.7 points), Deshaun Watson (21.16 points), and Christian Kirk (13.4 points). With team namesake Aaron Jones set to return soon along with the aforementioned Cooper Kupp, Nehikhuere’s bunch once again has the look of the pre-season favorite many expected the reigning champ to field. 

Nehikhuere made sure to congratulate his players on their resilience in the face of adversity, and touted his team as one to watch in his comments to the Platooner: 

“The guys are holding it down. Once we get the full squad back it’s up. Trust the process!” Nehikhuere said. 

Nehikhuere will look to continue to back up his lofty talk next week as his club hosts Sam Dunegan’s Galveston Bay Muddy Waters team, while Evers takes on old friend and former romantic competitor Andrew Forey.