Battle of the Mas-tards: Master Ballers Come Up Short as Sawyer Makes Great Escape

Field-ing The Love: Clines Dismantles Cantway, Sevin Dingleterry in Lopsided Affair

A quick glance at recent Texas Department of Public Safety statistics would tell you that Houston, Texas has by far one of the highest crime rates across the Lone Star state. What those statistics might not tell you however is that many of those crimes occur on the fantasy football gridiron, such as this week 1 matchup between Sevin Dingleterry and Can You Field the Love Tonight, which many pundits dubbed the “Battle for Space City.” 

After the dust settled, the victim of this crime was undoubtedly Sevin Dingleterry manager Mitch Cantway, whose lineup failed to rise to the occasion despite the best efforts of wide receiver Calvin Ridley (20.1 points) and newly acquired running back Travis Etienne Jr. (18.9 points). 

While Cantway’s bunch came up short on the fantasy football field this week, the gaffer’s attention seems to be on more pressing concerns at the moment: 

“Yes super tough loss, but I’d like to talk about something that’s on my heart. I dropped my phone this morning on the tile floor of my Houston home and it is pretty banged up right now. I don’t want to get too graphic, but the screen is mad cracked and the side of the phone has a little gap and light is coming through. But we will restore and rebuild. Sorry for the lack of scoops for you this week, but some things are bigger than football, you know?” Cantway confessed. 

On the other hand, Can You Field the Love Tonight manager Stephen Clines put together the league’s most well rounded performance in week 1, with 7 of 9 starters scoring 9.8 fantasy points or better. 

Clines’ running backs were particularly impressive, as Falcons running back Bijan Robinson tallied 17.3 points on just 10 carries, while Cowboys star Tony Pollard went for 21.2 points in a blowout win against the Giants, a team that Cantway needed a big night from. 

When asked if he felt that this solid all around week 1 effort should make him an early front runner to claim the PPL crown, Clines stated: 

“You know I wouldn’t get ahead of myself there. There were a couple strong performances all around this week, I know Matt’s teams put up some strong numbers. We still got a lot of games to win. We’re still gonna roll though.”

Cantway will look to regroup next week against San Angelo savant Coby Evers and his Cobra FC side, while Clines and Co. will play another de facto home game against Tosa Nehikhuere and Who Is Aaron Jones.

Royal Flush: Dunegan, Muddy Waters Play Ekeler Card to Perfection Against United

As a general rule in life, you don’t bite the hand that feeds you. However, Chargers running back Austin Ekeler made it clear he simply does not care about your rules as he proceeded to post 24.4 fantasy points in week 1, ultimately handing his former manager Kenny Turner a loss. Platooner sources say Ekeler could be heard shouting “Is Chase still on the case?” while heading into the Galveston Bay tunnel, a clear shot at Turner’s draft day decision to spurn his former star by selecting Bengals receiver Jamarr Chase instead. 

All beef aside, Sam Dunegan’s Galveston Bay team looked to be the better squad from the outset of Sunday’s action, despite disappointing performances from quarterback Patrick Mahomes (19.54 points) and Marquez Valdez-Scantling (5.8 fantasy points) on Thursday Night Football. 

When asked about his team’s week 1 performance, Dunegan seemed pleased to return to winning ways, while acknowledging that he may need to sharpen his decision making to take the club to the next level: 

“I’m satisfied with the win. I would have still lost to like 4 teams so I’m not too happy. I left some big points on the bench. My players were getting their targets so I’m hopeful for future production. I still would like to see more though. You can’t win the championship week one.” Dunegan said. 

Meanwhile, Kenny Turner’s Flush Factory United team looked lively at times, but ultimately lacked the requisite firepower to contend with Dunegan. In the end, wide receiver Chris Olave (15.2 points) and quarterback Trevor Lawrence (17.74 points) could not overcome Turner’s lineup scoring just 1 non-passing touchdown on the week. 

When Platooner sources questioned Turner about his thoughts after the loss, the veteran gaffer struggled to highlight any positives from the matchup: 

“Really tough loss man. There’s really nothing to say other than the problem we thought we had is the problem we do have. .4 from the RB2 spot is horrid and we are gonna need to see some improvement if we want to win any games this year. I may even have to turn to my namesake in Kenny Gainwell if this continues. As for my #2 overall selection, I have faith that this is the wake up call he needs to go on a tear this year. I’ll be looking for less elf comments and more TDs going forward from our front man. The muddy waters were no joke, and to have my front man from last year on the other side was certainly not fun. On to week 2.” Turner commented. 

Eager to shift his attention to next week’s action, Turner will look to flush this performance down the drain and get back on track against the likes of Keaton Adcock and the Master Ballers, while Dunegan and the Muddy Waters are set to tangle with Matt Stone’s red hot Heaven’s Heroes team.

Unexpected Turbulence: Frosty Flights Finds Low Scoring Liftoff Against Forey

What started out as a highly anticipated bout between two of the most commonly mispronounced last names in the league turned into a true Toilet Bowl of a week 1 matchup. While just 75.68 fantasy points was all it took to secure a victory for Frosty Flights FC manager Hunter Tormey, many around the league are left to wonder whether either team truly deserve a win from this matchup that pitted the week’s two lowest scoring teams against each other. 

Tormey will of course be delighted to pick up the unexpected win, but he must quickly address major concerns up and down his roster in order replicate this result anytime soon. Chief among those concerns is finding replacements for running back J.K. Dobbins and quarterback Aaron Rodgers, both of whom seem to be lost for the season due to Achilles injuries. 

Further, Tormey will need to inspire more production from quarterback Joe Burrow (3.18 points) and receiver Tee Higgins (0 points) to have any shot at maintaining a competitive side. When asked about his team’s performance in week 1, Tormey took a tough love approach to his players while expressing gratitude for the victory. 

“I honestly can’t believe we won. Frankly it’s a good thing Forey’s team played like Bishop Sycamore the entire time, otherwise we easily could’ve lost this battle of the banter clubs. But we can’t be content just because we fleeced a win harder than Mitch fleeced me in our recent trade, there’s a lot of work to do going forward. Our captain turned in a truly shocking performance this week, while Tee Higgins has looked more like Tee Grizzley on the pitch ever since he nearly ended Damar Hamlin. And frick me why did I draft Dobbins, I should’ve known that man’s body is more tender than Mike Stone’s brisket. But at the end of the day, a win is a win, and we’ll take what we can get.” Tormey said. 

On the flipside, Forey’s PPL managerial debut could not have gotten off to a rockier start, as his club mustered a league low 70.26 fantasy points in week 1, most of which came from star receiver Stefon Diggs (21.2 points) and quarterback Kirk Cousins (16.46 points). 

However, despite the poor performance from his lineup, Forey remained unfazed and unbothered when answering questions about his level of concern for the team: 

“Not concerned at all. If my kicker and defense just got POSITIVE points I would have one. My team has a tendency to play to the competition’s level. We took Frosty Flights FC for granted and came in soft. Once we start playing better competition we’ll rise to the occasion.”

Forey’s team will look to get hard and regroup for a week 2 matchup against Mack Magner and the Fantasy Football Team, while Tormey’s Frosty Flights squad will try to ensure that Winter is Coming for Jake Sawyer’s Kings Landing United.

Mack Attacked: Magner, The Fantasy Football Team Stymied As Who Is Aaron Jones Leans on Namesake

As fate would have it, both PPL new boys will have to wait until at least week 2 to collect their first win as Mack Magner’s Fantasy Football Team suffered defeat at the hands of a ragtag lineup assembled by Who is Aaron Jones manager Tosa Nehikhuere. With the loss, rookie managers now fall to 0-3 all time in PPL debuts since such stats were recorded. Talk about a welcome to the league moment! 

In truth however, Magner will have been frustrated to let this one slip away, as he entered Monday Night Football needing star quarterback Josh Allen to simply hit his weekly projection to secure a win. Unfortunately, the Jets defense had other plans, forcing 4 Allen turnovers throughout the contest and allowing only 9.04 fantasy points to this year’s Madden cover star. 

Magner kept it brief when addressing the media, and seemed to point the blame squarely at his star signal caller: 

“Josh Allen stinks,” Magner stated. 

Despite Allen’s tough night, the Fantasy Football Team did feature a number of bright spots this week, including number 4 overall pick Christian McCaffrey (24.4 points) and wide receiver Romeo Doubs (16.6 points). Magner will need to build off of performances like these to join the ranks of the PPL victors in the future. 

For Nehikhuere, the win comes in the face of tremendous adversity, as star receiver Cooper Kupp was placed on injured reserve by the Rams on the eve of the season, and third round draft choice Mark Andrews missed week 1 with a quad injury. 

With the odds stacked against them, Who is Aaron Jones turned to the heart and soul of their team for fantasy football deliverance, and he came through in a big way as Packers running back Aaron Jones posted an impressive 25.7 fantasy points. The team was also lifted by the perpetually horny Deshaun Watson, who chipped in another 20.66 fantasy points in the win. 

When asked by Platooner sources if he felt like his club should still be considered the front runner to claim this season’s title, Nehikhuere gave his unit a word of confidence while alluding to some questionable in house medical exams: 

“I took X-rays of each and every one of my guys, and they came back positive for “that dawg in em”. Great win for our squad even when we were undermanned. I like our chances this year.” Nehikhuere said. 

Nehikhuere will look to get healthy and stay dangerous next week as he takes on Stephen Clines and Can You Field the Love Tonight, while Magner looks to earn his inaugural PPL victory at the expense of fellow league newcomer, Andrew Forey.

He Will Crush Your Team, and You Will Strike His Flex: Stone Cruises to Big Win as Heaven’s Heroes Mash Evers, Cobra FC

The final week 1 matchup of the 2023 Pigskin Premier League season pitted two of the league’s most experienced managers against one another in Coby Evers of Cobra FC and Matt Stone of Heaven’s Heroes. Unfortunately for Evers, the manager’s seniority was about the only thing the two teams had in common, as his squad suffered a 44 point blowout at the hands of his old adversary. 

Evers’ fantasy week actually started off fairly well, as running back David Montgomery (13.4 points) and receiver Amon-Ra St. Brown (16.1 points) kicked off the season with strong performances on Thursday Night Football. However, quarterback Lamar Jackson (6.56 points) and GOATed kicker Justin Tucker (5 points) were unable to continue the unit’s strong play, leading to a mediocre output from the Cobras. 

Despite the loss, Evers was upbeat and positive as usual when speaking with the media about his team’s performance: 

“You know what I always say. You can’t control the uncontrollable but what you can control is how you respond to those things. I expect nothing but my guys to bounce back. We saw some great things this week including the fact that I made the right decision to pass on Gibbs for Allen then take the much more used Montgomery 2 rounds later. I’m also very confident in my managing skills. I won all 3 of my other leagues knowing it’s not a skill issue on my part. I don’t see my team losing for a long time starting in week 2.” Evers said.

Evers went on to state that he believes his roster has the look of a championship contender:

“Yeah I think my team will be in the thick of it like Kyle Lowry.” he remarked. 

On the other hand, nothing was mediocre about the performance Heaven’s Heroes put together in week 1. On a week where over half of the league failed to score 90 fantasy points, Stone’s unit led all teams with a 133.42 point explosion fueled by a 39 point effort from receiver Tyreek Hill and a monster 35 point night from the Dallas D/ST. 

If there is anything to nitpick about Stone’s dominant showing, it’s the production of RB2 Najee Harris (4.3 points) and WR2 Tyler Lockett (2 points). If Heaven’s Heroes can continue to count on elite production from the rest of its starting lineup, Harris and Lockett returning to form would be devastating for the rest of the league. 

Stone painted a picture of a unified locker room, hungry to avenge last season’s championship defeat while enticing Platooner reporters with details of a scandalous soapy sudsy celebration: 

“Well let me tell you, there are a couple things that are true. The first is that this is far from our best football. We have no right winning with three starting RBs not accounting for a single rushing touchdown or breaking 35yds on the ground.The second is that defense wins championships. This defensive unit earned the respect of everyone in that locker room. Tyreek was already awarded the game ball and showering before the D/ST took the field! But he marched right back on that field, suds and all, and handed that game ball to the D. Funnily enough, they had already been gifted a full set of game balls courtesy of Danny Dimes.” Stone dished. 

Evers will look to right the ship in week 2 against Mitch Cantway’s Sevin Dingleterry unit, while Stone faces a tough test in the form of Sam Dunegan and the Galveston Bay Muddy Waters.